The Manliest Man in all of Konoha
by Grey Vice
Summary: Asuma is so manly he makes the feminine men of Konoha look bad, so they decide they have to get rid of him! The truth behind the death of the manliest man in all of Konoha.


**"And the winner of Konoha's Manliest Man Competition is..."**

**"Asuma Sarutobi!"**

"YES!" Asuma screamed, pumping his ever so manly fist in the air. "IN YOUR FACE, YOU MANGLED OLD PRUNE!" he spat at Ibiki, who turned and tried to hide the single tear rolling down his totally disgusting face.

**"We will now affix the sacred sash of Manliness to it's rightful place around your waist"  
**

"That's what that thing is?" asked Kotetsu, one of the local filler ninja.

"He's been wearing it for the past five years. I am so sick of him winning it EVERY DAMN TIME!" Inoichi was pissed.

"Yeah were you expecting to win?" Izumo (filler ninja #2) asked. "Might want to lose the flowing locks first, Rapunzel."

**"And now you may chose anyone in the village to have sex with you for the rest of the weekend"  
**

Asuma didn't hesitate at all before jumping of the stage and pointing directly at ..... Tenten.

"YOU!"

A sound sort of like a cat being strangled came out of Tenten's mouth. "Me?"

"....her?" responded the crowd, totally in disbelief (although they had heard she was really funny).

"Someone is actually PAYING ATTENTION to me?!!" Tenten was really flipping out at this point.

"I've just spent so much time being ignored and now finally th-"

Asuma cut her off with an extra manly, swoon inducing laugh and put a hand on her face.

Five minutes later, when he finally stopped laughing, he yelled "NOT YOU, SURFBOARD!" and shoved her by the face right out of the way, revealing Kurenai who had been standing directly behind her.

"You're coming with me, Sugar Tits!" Tossing her over his shoulder he marched through the crowd and straight to his apartment while the crowd cheered wildly.

"Hey, who was that ugly guy that lost to Asuma?" Naruto wondered aloud to his team mates.

Sasuke stopped dead in his tracks and was already on his way to flashback city by the time the name "Ibiki" fell out of his mouth.

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_Ibiki never really had good bedside manner._

_"Sasuke, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are now The Mayor of Uchiha town."_

_"The bad news is you're also the janitor."_

_Ibiki thrust a mop and bucket into the child's arms._

_"Probably want to get started cleaning this place up. Hate to be around here in the middle of the night with all these dead bodies. And we never did catch your brother."_

_"Yeah that guy could totally come back at any time! He was like the best ninja ever!" called out an Anbu in the back who obviously had a bit of a man crush going on._

_Sasuke's eyes widened._

_"Oh that reminds me!" Ibiki reached into his pocket and pulled out a gigantic ring of keys. "Might want to lock up when you're done here."_

_Ibiki turned and headed for the door, stepping over a multitude of bodies as he went. Suddenly he snapped his fingers and turned to the Anbu following him._

_"Hey Gary, get down to the school and start working on another 'Lonely Orphan' swing. I mean, Naruto's got the one that's there covered like 24/7." Ibiki's face crinkled in a most unflattering way as he winked at the young boy still frozen in the middle of the room. "See I got you covered little buddy! Now don't you hesitate to drop in at the interrogation center if you need someone to talk to, Mister Mayor!"_

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Sasuke snapped out of his horrible reprieve to see Naruto and Sakura staring at him inquisitively.

" I, uh..... swing...." Sasuke mumbled and turned around to head back to the school.

Sakura of course followed him, knowing full well he would tell her to leave and that she would have to content herself with spying from a nearby bush or tree.

Meanwhile Kakashi was climbing a spying tree of his own. The one in front of Asuma's apartment as a matter of fact. When he pulled himself up to the branch that would allow him the best view into the place, he realized someone had already taken the best seat. The large white haired man grinned at him and tapped a pencil against the large pad of paper he was holding.

"Research for my next book. Gotta keep the fans happy, you know!"

Jiraiya shifted over to make room on the branch. Before Kakashi could settle in and offer some of the snacks he had brought to the more experienced pervet beside him, the window swung open and a naked and sweaty Asuma leaned out.

"Working on another book already Jiraiya?"

"No rest for the wicked!" he responded hapilly.

Kakashi coughed uncomfortably.

"Hey 'Kashi, there's room for one more" Asuma winked.

"YEAH!" Kurenai yelled from somewhere inside the apartment.

Kakashi's jaw dropped, although you couldn't really tell since he wears a mask. His eyes darted back and forth between the man propositioning him and the adult novelist beside him.

Jiraiya broke the silence after what seemed like a decade. "I don't use my research subjects real names, you know"

If the window hadn't already been open, there would have been a Kakashi sized hole in it left by the man scrambling to get inside.

"Pleasure seeing you, as always Jiraiya" Asuma winked at the older man.

"Oh, the pleasure is all mine!" Jiraiya said, fiddling with the video recorder he had hidden in the leaves nearby while Asuma followed his new prey into the bedroom.

"That Asuma," the writer murmured to himself with admiration "He's so manly he turns ladies easy and dudes gay!"

But not everyone was fond of Asuma. At that very moment a getting-drunker-than-usual Inoichi was incoherently plotting the death of the manliest man in all of Konoha.

"So he banged your wife? Big deal, that's happened to like half the village. It's a natural occurence around here, like death and taxes. Half the time he takes the full couple on" Bartender Jim said, a bit annoyed that people always seemed to think that part of his job was listening to their problems and not just making and serving the booze. In fact he had always wanted to be a dentist, but his parents had pushed him into this hellish life of servitutde because the brewery and bar had been in the family for generations. Ninja's liked to get pretty drunk pretty often in their short lives, so at least business was good.

"Yeah, that what happened!" the blonde slurred. "Didn't even call again, the bastard. And a few months later he comes out of my daughters room one morning **in her bathrobe**! You have any idea what that's like? Having my little princess deflowered by a bear of a man like that?"

".... you gotta stop with the flower puns, Inoichi." They were getting worse the drunker the man got. "OH THANK GODS! A CUSTOMER!" Bartender Jim said, a bit too enthusiastically and rushed to the other side of the bar.

Left to his own devices, Inoichi got up to leave. As he stumbled past some filler ninjas playing pinball, a card tacked to the bulletin board caught his eye.

RESEARCH SUBJECTS WANTED. PAYS CASH UP FRONT. CALL JIRAIYA AT 555-2456

Inoichi considered it briefly and then noticed another card next to it. It was black and had red clouds on it. He took it down and flipped it over.

AKATSUKI. FOR ALL YOUR MURDEROUS INTENTIONS. 555-4613

MENTION YOU SAW THIS CARD AND GET 10% OFF

Inoichi grinned and laughed. And then ran outside to puke in the bushes.


End file.
